Afterword: Christmas 2005
So it's been nearly a year since I left for Xi'an, and I was looking over this blog and realized it's not done. But then again, what is ever really done? I just emailed my host family after a two month hiatus with no contact. For awhile my host mom and I emailed each with the usual pleasantries like weather and mood, but that gets repetitive. My departure from Xi'an was very hard for her. She saw me as a son. But as the months went on and our correspondance dwindled she's moved on. (wow i feel like i'm talking about an exgirlfriend right now) I just got a e-card from my host family and sent them a long reply in chinese.
I spent little time consiouscly reflecting on my experience in China after I got back and for most of the summer. I got two jobs to occupy my time. One as a soccer counselor and the other as a intern at Beth Isreal Hospital. I also had a girlfriend over the summer. And most of my time was spent between my jobs, friends, and girlfriend. As my freshman year of college approached my mind was consumed with anticipation. And once I got to college my energy was sapped with all the good and bad stresses of college life.
But now I'm done with my first semester of college. I'm 1/8 done with college which sounds crazy because I'm not sure I've gotten what I've paid for. But I digress. I was placed in a first level Chinese class which was a mistake. The class has been a breeze. Listening comp and oral are a joke and I wish that I pushed myself more to work on that. I've learned about 300 more characters as well which is a good thing. I found that while doing my Chinese HW and sitting in class I'd have flashbacks of random moments in China, the kind of things that you'd never imagine you would ever remember again. I thought about riding in a taxi on my own, or the food I ate every night for dinner, or some crazy joke with someone in the group. And I'd really feel these memories with a kind of realism that was more than remembering any other time of my life. I've been very nostalgiac for Xi'an and the group I went with.
Also, college so far has helped me realize that I definately have grown from my life in Xi'an. The girl who lives next to me in my dorm also went to China last year and lived with a family which is totally rocking. I think she is one of the few people that can really understand what I went through and share in the nostalgia I feel. I thank the people that put us so close for their wisdom. We've gotten into discussions/arguments over the Cultural Revolution, Mao, and what is the best food in China. Furthermore, I've met other people intereseted in China. In fact, I'm planning on going back with them to either Shanghai or Beijing this summer. For me the reason for this is mainly to improve my Chinese (b/c that really is the only way to become fluent) and to explore the culture.
So as of now I know what I've learned from my stay in Xi'an. I've learned that I know nothing about China and that I want to learn about China. And for that's a lot. A direction in life is hard to find for many people who come from my kind of background. So next semester I'm gonna take two Chinese classes (level 1 which is was in and level 2 which I'll audit). I'm taking Asian Traditions which is taught by a very popular teacher who is reknowned for his difficulty and intrigue. And I'm taking Intro to Internatinal Relations. As of now IR is probably going to be my major. But I could see myself doing Asian-American Studies or even possibly Chinese. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by looking at China or if I'm simply running off to another country to start a new me. I guess my reasons are probably mostly selfish, and I probably should develop certain skills and knowledge in the US before I go running off to an entirely different culture. But maybe it'll help that I haven't yet hardened into the typical American thinker.
Who knows? I'm just glad I went to Xi'an. And I'm not done yet.
Back In Brookline
Weird food:everything
So I've been back in the US for about a week now, and it's hard to say how I feel as usual. I'm not feeling the culture shock that everyone said I'd have. Sure, it's a little weird to be back and go directly to Prom and Senior Day and stuff, but I'm having more fun than shock. I'm back to myself, a self that I'm not so sure is good for me but I like all the same. I think a lot of times when people travel for extended periods of time they realize how much they valued their home, and I too feel this. I love seeing my friends. Sleeping next to my dog. And being able to drive.
But there is something that is different and not altogether settling. It's the fact that I realize that I'm more aware of who I am. Gaelen said before we left that we'd probably come back and feel like we should've changed or grown but we'd be disappointed. Yet, I know I've changed. I'm more aware of who I am, and more importantly who I am in the context of the world, as a human. As idealistic and unbelievable as this sounds, it's actually not. I have trouble pointing to exactly how I'm more cognaissant of the world. I mean my room is still very messy, I still am procrastinating, I still am constantly unsatisfied with myself, I go out too much and come home to late, and my thoughts and emotions still can't be leashed and controlled. But now I feel more optimistic and confident about confronting all these things about myself. In Buddhist theory, when we focus too much on ourselves and our relatively small problems we become anxious and scared, but when we zoom out and realize the proportion of our problems they become manageable and that's how I feel now.
Tomorrow I graduate from BHS. Everyone is having graduation parties and stuff. Personally I'm not all that excited. I feel like I was done a while ago. My friends also don't seem too thrilled; it seems like parents are the ones who are excited and throwing parties and stuff to celebrate. I guess they see it as their own success for getting their kid through high school. After we graduate we'll be the one's setting the bar, and our parents can sit back and watch, or at least it feels like that.
Anyway this'll probably be my last blog on this site at least. So thanks for reading and stuff.
dAVID
China 41: 3, 2, 1...
Yesterday was our last full day in Xi'an. It was lack luster at best. I visited the Muslim Quarter one last time. Bought a seal with my Chinese name, a painting of a woman washing her hair in the rain, and some dried kiwis.
My family took me out to eat at the Xi'an Hotel. My host cousin and her family were also there as well as my host grandparents. Everyone was so nice. By the end of dinner my host cousin, Tian Tian, was crying that she wouldn't see me again. I was touched and gave her a big hug but I didn't feel as sentimental. She'll be at the school to see me off today.
All night yesterday it was absolutely pouring. My host mom explained that the weather was greiving my approaching departure with its tears. Back at home after dinner, my host mom added her own tears as we packed. Again I was touched and gave her a big hug. I guess I didn't feel to attached to the family I've developed here. In the US, people come in and out of houses all the time, so I guess I'm used to staying and leaving.
But last night a slept like a hurricane. I eventually couldn't take it anymore and got up around 6:00 am. I attributed it to my upset stomach and drank some coffee to see if that could clear me out, which it did pretty well. Then seeing as my host parents wouldn't be up for at least another three hours I watched TV and then a random movie I found. I forget the name but it was a cheesy romantic comedy, exactly what I needed to uncover my latent emotions.
When my host mom woke up and served me a bowl of hot milk and some cakes I couldn't eat. I also could feel the beginnings of another emotional hurricane stirring. My host dad went off to work, and my host mom is cleaning the house right now. She doesn't have to clean, we have a maid, but I think she wants to stay busy. I too don't really know what to be doing before we all go to the school to catch a bus to the airport.
So this will be my last blog from China. We're off to Beijing sometime soon. And I dunno what's up really. I'm exhausted from no sleep. My stomach feels ill. And I have more baggage than I can carry.
China 40: 6,5,4...
Today we went to school to have a goodbye lunch where we all gave little speeches to our parents, teachers, and administrators. I kind of just made mine up on the spot and said some stuff about my family and how nice they have been to me.
I woke up around 6:00 and couldn't really get back to sleep. That's been a trend that's been happening since I got back from Shanghai. I spent the entire day today really tired. After the lunch me, Isaiah, Ian, and Edna were going to go out but when we dropped our stuff at home we had no desire to go back out. It seems like everyone is in a really weird mood. Kind of like the days leading up to exams or the SAT's when there's nothing to do but wait (or study I suppose if that's your cup of tea). It's like a boredom where you can't go to sleep or anything but don't feel like doing anything. We watched Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle but I fell asleep half way through b/c it was my 3rd time watching it.
I've started packing and that's going well although I have no idea how much my bag weighs which could end up being a problem.
I'm not really sure if I'm excited about going home or not, yet. I guess the fact that it's approaching has caused me to lose out on some sleep but I'm really bad at identifying my emotional reasoning for this. My allergies keep acting up too, so Gaelen keeps thinking my teary, red eyes are my distress over leaving. I must admit it sucks to already be getting emails about coming home. I already am beginning to feel a familiar social tug as plans for prom and other stuff solidify. I sort of wish noone knew when I was getting home so I could lay low for awhile. Anyway tomorrow will be my last full day in Xi'an, then off ot Beijing for awhile.
China 39: 7, 6, 5, 4...
Movie of the Week: Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
It seems Star Wars has been a constant in my life. It has followed me almost as long as I can remember in many different forms. I believe sometime around first grade I tried to find the video at the library but it "Out" every time. I probably first heard about it from my friend's dad who is a cool Star Trek/Wars geek. I think the first time I watched Star Wars I was bored out of my mind. The scene with Yoda and Luke in The Empire Strikes Back just didn't have enough action.
So I gave up the Star Wars movies and just played with the toys, an ancient Millenium Falcon and storm troop action figures from the 70's. As time progressed the toys sparked my interest anew somewhere between fourth and fifth grade, a time when collecting trends are rampant. (To name a few trends we've got Tamogotchi, Beanie Babies, Crayola Crayon collections, Goosebumps, Tin Tin comics, etc etc etc) Toys became the new thing and collecting the new Star Wars toys (the movies had been remastered and shown again in theaters) was a competition.
As fifth grade rolled around, my friends and I had seen the movies and, as we now were beginning to mature, began to read the books, a somewhat cult collection of Star Wars inspired trash novels. Nevertheless, we were reading and that was a start. I remember my 8th grade cousin making fun of me because I was reading a "Star Wars: The Courtship of Princess Leia" on a road trip. Right after that, my Grandma asked him a math question about when we'd arrive at our destination given we drove at a constant 60mph. My 8th grade cousin couldn't solve the dilemma, so his 5th grade cousin solved it for him in a matter of seconds.
I estimate between fifth and sixth grade, I must of read at least twenty Star Wars novels just like my friends. The social aspect of the movies was in the cards however, books were simply the information needed to be knowledgable in collecting the cards. My friend Alex Coley must of collected at least 1000 of those cards some of which were worth hundreds of dollars for their rarity. My collection was skimpy; I just didn't seem to have the luck to open a pack of cards and pull the rare Yoda card. My prized possesion was probably the Commander Luke card I traded for.
The funny thing was none of my friends (and this meant probably around 10 boys, a majority in my elementary school) actually knew how to play the card game. We just collected, traded, argued, and quizzed each other on Star Wars minutia. Perhaps this is where my memory grew two sizes more because as I was memorizing the names of Jawas, Ewoks, and droids, who could only be seen in you paused the movie at the right time and started REALLY hard, I began to get my first report cards, which put my name on the high honors list outside my 6th grade classroom every quarter.
I remember reading rumors in the magazine me and Alex Coley suscribed to, Star Wars Insider, that George Lucas might make the three prequals to Episodes 4,5,6 of Star Wars. I was estaticate. The first prequal came out as our interest in Star Wars collecting and obsessing waned, but we still managed to get opening night tickets (not an easy feat) and cheer as R2-D2 made his surprise appearance. Even though the movie was horrible, I loved it. Having not been born for openings of the orginal Star Wars movies, I was an Star Wars junkie without roots. As I prepared to graduate from 8th grade there was nothing better than to find that Star Wars wasn't done yet, and neither was I.
High school is no place to be a Star Wars fan. Princess Leia could of very well been my first crush, but now it was time to find a little reality in my science fictional world. I couldn't pretend that The Force was real anymore. I'm pretty sure that I did manage to see the opening day of Episode II during my years in high school, and I was touched by it. It was gratifying to see things that I had known and imagined from all the Star Wars minutia I knew put on screen. It seemed this saga was an endless epic that traced my life. Watching the young Annakin Skywalker growing up on Tantoinne, I felt special because though billions of people were watching this movie, I was part of a small few that could really understand the implication of this young child's future on this far,far away galaxy's future. I found Star Wars much more interesting than the wars fought in my own history. The history of Earth was so grey and predictable, unlike the drama of the light side vs. the dark side and the unbelievable underdog stories. I watched my own life waver between light and dark sides in high school, and like Star Wars anything that was resolved ended up being the beginning of something else.
And so I came here to China, Star Wars buried somewhere beneath the mop of hair on my head. But apparently the romanticism of Star Wars touches the Chinese as well. Star Wars opened on May 20th, and I missed the date but was to make up for it going just two days after Star Wars officially opened. Unbeknownst to me, the movie turned out to be in Chinese, so as I watched the story unfold on the screen the words soared over my head, but for some reason I was still enthralled, and even sad. This will be the last Star Wars movie, and doubtlessly it will get OK reviews, but where will I go now without Star Wars to outline my life. I see how watching Episode III in Chinese is a lot like being in China. So much stuff is happening that I see everyday and the words are lost yet it's still touching.
Maybe I'm feeling like a parent who's kid is leaving home to become an adult. I've watched these Star Wars movies like they are my own life. Even though I haven't seen a Star Wars card or resuscribed to Star Wars Insider, I'll always be part of it, as geeky and corny as it sounds. My reliance and love on Star Wars perhaps is the ultimate symbol of my childhood and adolescence. It embodies any boy's dream. Exceptional power, glory, good vs. bad, love... it's all there. So my sentimental reaction to Star Wars: Episode III is probably just as trite as my sentiment for what is supposed to be my glorious, youthful dreams. I'll probably feel the same twinge when I leave Xi'an, when I graduate, when I leave Brookline.
I still must watch the new Star Wars movie in English, but it really feels over. Darth Vader has been born along with Luke and Leia, and I know what all their futures will be. So where do I go from here? Should I become a Star Trek fan? I hear that world is even larger than Star Wars'. Or maybe a Lords of the Rings fan? I'd love to become fluent in Elvish. But something tells me it's time to start doing something a little more useful. Fantasy worlds are great, but learning Elvish won't get me anywhere in China. So I'm saying good-bye to the twelve years of Star Wars. It's been great. I hate saying 'bye, in three days I'll have to say it again to Xi'an.
China 39: Home Again Home Again
Bad Food: If you ever come to China don't go with a tour group. So far they've only given us bad Chinese food. We've gone to places reknowned for good food and ended up w/ crap. Nothing has beat Xi'an's food. I'm so GLAD to be back!
So the Shanghai trip, which actually was a tour of three cities Shanghai, Suzahou, and Hangzhou was fun, but I'm glad to be back home in Xi'an. We got back today around 9 AM on an overnight train. I've actually sort of gotten used to sleeping and living on a train, although traveling to Shanghai there was a guy that snored like a vacuum cleaner when it sucks in something it shouldn't which kept me up the whole night. We spent our time on the train making each other friendship bracelets out of silk threads we bought in Suzhou yesterday. Mine turned out to suck, it's light green, dark green, and light purple, and I couldn't tie the knots right, so I feel bad for Isaiah who recieved it. We all picked who we'd give it to out of a bag, luckily I got Christina's which isn't yet done but should be good.
Back in Xi'an I feel surprisingly good. I realized over the Shanghai trip that despite my constant claim that I love traveling, I really am usually stressed to the max whenever I travel whether it be China or anywhere else. Xi'an is home, so I'm not stressed here, but in Shanghai and stuff I found myself unusually tired the entire day and not talking much. So coming back to Xi'an I feel good. Actually I've been feeling pretty good about this entire trip to China though I'm not sure why. Besides the excess of polytriglycerides that now plump my stomach, I think I'm on my way to enjoying my pursuit for happiness.
Wow that was lame.
Xi'an is beautiful today. BRIGHT, 70's, breezy, and dry. Probably the best city to live in during the spring in China.
I haven't yet checked my email which has remained stale with news from home for a week and a half. Yet, I suppose I should check it as the time to go home a second time draws nearer. I can't wait to see my dog, Star.
Two white butterflies just flew past my 6th story window in the bright sun tumbling over one another. In China, that's a symbol of tragic love. The story is about two lovers who get separated b/c of their families or something and kill themselves but turn into butterflies and live together. Kind of like Romeo and Juliet but with a happy ending.
China 38: Two weeks left
Self-diagnosis: Hypochondriac. Lately I've been diagnosed myself with a tape worm, baldness, and lazyness. Don't know exactly why.
So it's been a while since I last wrote. Life in Xi'an has been going by really fast. There's only two weeks left! Yesterday was our last day at Gao Xin High, and it was actual more sentimental than I thought it'd be. All the students were really sad to see us go, something that definately didn't happen at BHS. They kept showing up at our afternoon class to exchange emails, take pictures, and give us gifts. Each of our classes held a little goodbye ceremony, and Ian's class invited us all to a little party where they made speeches and gave us going away gifts. It's sad that we might never see these people ever again. They were so nice and welcoming the entire time.
Today, we head to Shanghai, the Chinese New York, and some other surrounding cities for a week. I still have to pack. I'm thinking about pack one set of clothes and buying the rest their to force myself to by the cheap stuff here in China instead of the expensive stuff when I get back to the States. I can't believe that I have to think about gifts, prom, and leaving again. It seems like yesterday that I wrote a blog about my emotions before leaving for China, and now I'm writing the exact same thing about leaving for the US. I'm not sure if I want to leave or stay. I'm not really sure about anything, which for me, makes everything a bit suffocatingly numb. Living in the moment becomes harder and harder when all you want to do is think about the past or future. Going to Shanghai really marks the end of my stay here in Xi'an. Though we'll be coming back it'll only be for four days.
I'm trying to realize what it is that I've found here in Xi'an or in China, and I'm still not sure. I recieved a letter from my grandma a few days ago. In it she said it "seemed I was searching for answers. [but I] have the answers right in front of me in Christ." Was China a search for answers? This past vacation, my host mom took me to that Buddhist temple we always go, and the head monk made me an official Buddhist. I'm now officially a member of his temples. I even have a certificate thing. I don't think my host mom knows I'm baptised a Catholic. I don't think she'd be very happy knowing it just as my grandmother probably wouldn't like to know I've been dabbling in other religions. I have to admit that the philosophy of religion has A LOT to offer, something that at least in Brookline, gets forgotten in the drama over all the scandals and stuff. So now that I'm officially a follower of both the bloodied, skinny son of god and the fat, smiling enlightened one maybe the answers will come doubly fast. We'll see.
For now though, I'll keep listening to Dave Matthews Band and Counting Crows for immediate life answers.
cya lata
China 37: life goes on
equivalent to a burrito: kao rou (spicy meet on a stick that you order by the handful.)
life goes on...
China 36: Vacationing and Pictures
Weird Food: i'm at a loss
Weather: Brilliant, 80's, dry, beautiful, and i'm in here trying to do my paper. Aiya!
So it's the May 1st holiday, and all of China has a week off which is nice. Especially that my family isn't going anywhere besides the mountains we went to yesterday. So me and Ian are pretty much the only people around in Xi'an which is fine. I kind of wanted some time to just chill. Unfortunately my paper looms overhead. I haven't even finished the first draft which might end up being 15 pages single spaced.
The other problem is, my host mom finds it necessary to fill anytime I'm not doing homework with plans since she too has the week off. I'd much rather go out w/ Ian and walk around, but MaMa has other thoughts. Today, she took me to stand in the back of a Buddhist temple for two hours while the monks chanted. It would've been cool, but she's so disruptive it embarrasses me. Then she took me to eat with the monks in their eating area which also would've been cool but it was pretty obvious that only monks ate there b/c we were the only people in civilian clothing inside the room and all the other people ate outside of it. And it's not even that my mom is a devout Buddhist she told me she doesn't go very often. But I digress.
When it comes to choosing to do HW or going out with her I've actually taking a liking to HW. My dad is much cooler about it all. He just chills and sometimes goes out to eat w/ me. Maybe I'm just too much of an introvert.
Anyway, it's beautiful out, and my family finally fixed their internet so I don't have to go to the internet cafe anymore which actually was kind of nice b/c it was an excuse to get out of the house on my own. But I've finally managed to upload some pics of my recent trip to Hong Kong and to Sichuan w/ the group (and somewhere along the way I recieved a big scholarship to a college and made a tough decision about where I'm going next year):
Alright, I just tried posting the pics and of course it's not working. So if you wanna see some of my pics you can try this site which probably won't work. http://photobucket.com/albums/v631/celtics186/
here are some of Christina's pics:
